A few years ago I posted something about how lucky I was to have found my wife (then fiancée) because of her unusual taste in TV. It was tongue-in-cheek, of course, because there were and are a lot more reasons to be thankful for her. At the time, however, it seemed funny to me so I posted it as “How to Know If You’ve Found the Right One“.
Now, more than three years later, I find that someone clicked into my blog after searching for “how do you know when you found the one” and finding that link.
This wouldn’t be that remarkable, except for the fact that my blog is not likely to come up at the top of many vague search engine results. I’m not even sure how far back in that search you’d have to go to find my entry, but I’d imagine it’s in the realm of twenty to thirty pages of search results. (Note: a few more clicks and searchs {combined with this blog post} have upped my ranking, ironically enough, to page four of google search results)
For some the question is simply one of self-preservation. They’re being smart and they don’t want to make the wrong choice. To those, I salute you. I encourage you to take stock of the relationship. Does he or she encourage you in your dreams? Do they make you better? Do they respect you? Belittle you? Ask your friends and family these questions. Especially ask these questions to people who you know will give you the hard truth. And do, please, evaluate yourself to see if you fit the things I mention later in this post.
What if your desperate? There’s an air of desperation out there. It seems like it’s everywhere I look. Desperation like this inspires people to hurt each other in extraordinary ways. Jumping from one to another when you’re unsure which potential mate is best. Destroying the person with words when you break up or have a fight. This is not to say that relationships are painless affairs. I’m sure that blood waters every strong tree in the forest. Iron sharpening iron is not a pleasant process for either implement, but it makes better tools. So conflict is not a reliable metric.
However, there should be some self-evaluation in all this. When these differences arise, what is your reaction? Where are your thoughts? Are they on how you’ve been wronged? On your rights that have been trampled? On what a jerk he or she is? (Or are you blaming yourself for everything? This is even more troubling.) Conversely, maybe you find yourself thinking of different things. On reconciliation? On how to determine when you both misspoke? On how to keep your heart from hardening? On what formative experiences might have shaped each of you differently?
It’s rare that anyone will have none of the first set of thoughts, but it’s worrying if you have none of the second. If you find yourself lacking on this, do a little geneology. Watch how your parents (or formative people in your life) deal with problems. Do they resolve them? Do they shut people off? Do they explode and then just forget about it? Do they turn inward, blaming themselves? From those roots, you’ll find precisely the things you need to prune from your branch. If you’ve found nothing… well, you might want to take up a study of denial. 
Maybe you’re finding people via a method that’s defective. If you can’t treat someone in a way that is similar to how you’d treat you good friends, then perhaps the internet or the club or the mall is abstracting your prospects to the point that you don’t think of them as a human being. Or maybe you’re simply not ready for this. Maybe you’ve been hurt, or maybe you haven’t recovered/become self-sufficient (emotionally).
I hate people who answer questions with a question. It’s often a diversionary and manipulative tactic, but it is effective when a person is asking the wrong question. In this case, knowing whether you’ve found the right one is completely secondary to knowing whether you’re ready to have found them. “How do you deal with conflict?” is the most important question that relates to whether you’re the right person for anyone. If you don’t deal with it correctly, then the “right” person is better of without you.
Once you’ve gotten past that question, things will become a lot clearer, I think. At that point you’ll understand much more about the person you really want, as opposed to what you think you need now.
